Informe Robinson: Gerard Piqué

In honor of El Clásico this weekend, I thought I’d finally get around to translating the episode of “Informe Robinson” with Gerard Piqué…

Watch the full episode after the jump!

Ya que faltan dos días para El Clásico, he decidido por fín traducir el episodio de “Informe Robinson” con Gerard Piqué al inglés…

¡El episodio completo está mas adelante!

Michael Robinson:  He is handsome, a millionaire, and a winner.  He’s the image that many brands want, the focus of all of the media, and at 24 has achieved everything that an elite footballer can dream of.   A man who has touched the sky:  Gerard Piqué.  Oh, that reminds me, I need to make a phone call.

(Cut to Robinson in a room)

Cesc Fábregas:  Hello?

MR:  Hi Cesc, how are you?  It’s Michael.

CF:  Michael who?

MR:  Michael Robinson.

CF:  Oh, the chubby one from el Plus.  (“el Plus” is Canal +, the channel that broadcasts Informe Robinson).

MR:  Yes, the fat one.   Anyway, listen, I am doing an informe, an Informe Robinson, about a friend of yours:  Gerard Piqué.

CF:  Yes, of course.

MR:  I was hoping you could help me out and give me some insights, since you have known each other for a long time and are very close friends.  Tell me something…

CF:  Well, can you call me in a bit, because I need to do a few things right now.  ¿Vale?

MR:  Ok, bye bye!

(Cesc immediately texts Piqué… I love these two together!)

CF:  (via text) Michael Robinson has called me… the one from el Plus… Informe  Robinson.  He’s coming for you.  Oooooooh!!  Moc Moc. 

(I love how Cesc uses multiple o’s and exclamation points and how they incorporated the Moc Moc into the show!)

MR:  What is this “moc moc”?

Gerard Piqué:  It’s an inside joke.

MR:  Don’t you have to go to training?

GP:  Yes, let’s go!

(Cut to the two of them in Piqué’s car.)

MR:  Is it difficult for you to go outside or go to bars?

GP:  A bit, a bit.  People recognize me on the streets and, to be honest, I can’t really hide since I’m 6’2!

MR:  Now the paparazzi follow you as a result of your relationship (with Shakira) right?

GP:  Yes, well, at first it was very stressful, because people were waiting outside of my house and taking pictures everywhere I went.  But now, it seems to have calmed down a bit and I’m living a quieter life.

MR:  What did they say in the locker room?  Was there a lot of teasing?

GP:  Yes, a lot of teasing in the locker room, with Xavi and Dani Alves, who like to joke around a lot.  They teased me a lot…

(I was starting to warm up to you, Piqué, but then I saw your license plate…)

MR:  What type of music do you like?  Be careful now!

GP:   A little bit of everything! (laughs)  British humor!  That’s totally your British humor coming out!

MR:  The best thing about football for me is being in a locker room, being in the trenches, with a bunch of guys.

GP:  Yes, well, you are left with a lot of memories.  That’s what stays with you:  the memories and the titles.

MR:  This must be very easy for you.

GP:  That’s what I’m saying!  You have to be very lucky to have won everything that we have won.  We are almost here…

MR:  Does the fact that there are many cars mean that we are late?

GP:  Well, we’re not the first to arrive, let’s leave it at that.  But we’re on time.

MR:  Have fun in training, I’ll see you after that.

(Cut to the Barcelona training camp.  They look like they are having so much fun!  I love how Piqué gets hit in the head with a ball… It was probably Xavi messing with him!)

(Cut back to Piqué’s car)

MR:  Listen, a friend of yours, who shall remain anonymous…

GP:  (interrupting) Oh, here we go!

MR:  Has said:  ask him about la farandula (showbiz).

(Cut to a clip of Xavi)

Xavi Hernández:  I like to call him “la farandula.”  But not just now, but since his first year!

(Cut back to Piqué’s car)

GP:  I suppose this friend is Xavi, I’ll tell you that right now, because I know him and he’s always joking about that.  I suppose he’s been saying that because, lately, I haven’t stopped showing up on the farandulas.

(Cut to a clip of Xavi)

XH:  But he handles it well.  He’s very natural.  He’s handling it phenomenally.  He has no problems.  He’s a very sensible (even if he doesn’t seem to be sometimes), fair, and very intelligent tío.

(Cut back to Piqué’s car)

MR:  Will Cesc end up coming here, do you think?

GP:  Well, I am one of those people who believes that in the end we get what we wish for.  And if Cesc wants to end up in Barça, which I believe he has a desire to do so, that he will one day wear the Barcelona jersey.

MR:  How do you handle being a model, Gerard?

GP:  Good, although it’s a bit strange to see myself on a billboard.  It’s not football, but it’s fun and different.

(Cut to an interview with Arturo Canales, IMG Fútbol España)

Arturo Canales:  There are things that are fun for him and he does them with pleasure and he does them well.  Right now, there is a lot of media pressure for him.  But in the end, Gerard is a footballer.

(Cut to H.E. MANGO campaign press conference… I did like Piqué’s little wink!)

MR:  (after he is handed the microphone during the H.E. MANGO campaign press conference) Gerard!

GP:  Hombre!  Michael!  (He then explains his excited reaction to the rest of the press):  We’re doing something together… Don’t think badly of me…

MR:  You are a very talented footballer and now a model for a well-established brand.  What do your parents think?

GP:  You can ask them yourself!  Well, my mom is working but I can bring my father out and you can ask him!

(I’m going to skip the interview with his parents, except to mention the funny moment where his father said “coño”!)

(Cut to someone ringing Piqué’s doorbell)

MR:  I have spoken to a friend of yours who said that he would help me and I haven’t heard back…

GR:  You mean, (opening the door), this one?

(Cesc is at the door… How cute is it that they both greet each other by saying “MOOOOC”?  Also, Cesc looks so short next to Piqué and Robinson!)

MR:  I thought you had ditched me.

CF:  Never!

(Cut to some footage from when Cesc and Piqué were younger and playing for Barcelona’s youth team.)

MR:  How long have you known each other?

GP:  Since we were 8 or 9 years old or 10 years old?

CF:  No, younger!  I did a tryout and in a game but he doesn’t remember me!

(OMG, I loved when Piqué grabbed Cesc’s ear to tease him!)

GP:  A lot of what we have done we can’t talk about.

CF:  80% of what we have done it’s clear we can’t talk about!

MR:  But that leaves 20%!

GP:  Yeah, we need to find that 20%!  Cesc, tell him something!

CF:  I don’t know.  I remember being on the beach.  It was when kids played with aluminum caps of a car.   It was a Sunday afternoon, we were playing with the aluminum caps of a car, and all the restaurants by the beach were packed.

GP:  I don’t remember this!

CF:  This man from a restaurant starts yelling at us and then starts chasing us!  So we start running through the town!

GP:  This is a politically incorrect story.

CF:  What are you talking about?  People need to know!

(Cut to footage from Cesc and Piqué’s time on Barcelona’s youth team)

MR:  This is the game that your mother told me that it was the worst she had seen you after a loss.

(Cut to Piqué’s mom where she says it was the only time she could not console him after a loss).

MR:  How old were you?

CF:  We were 10 years old.

GP:  We weren’t used to losing!

MR:  Then you were both in my country:  England!

GP:  We didn’t speak for a six months!

CF:  No, longer, a year!

GP:  I would call him and he wouldn’t pick up!

MR:  Was it a woman?

GP:  Nah, it wasn’t a woman – don’t think badly.  It was other things…

(Cut to a clip of Piqué during his time in Manchester United)

GP:  I took advantage of the few minutes I played – look at that, there’s another goal!

(Cut to a clip of Piqué on the Manchester United’s bench)

GP:  Here, you see my usual position.  (Ok, ok, that was cute – I’ll give him that!)

(Cut to a clip of Piqué during his presentation as a Barcelona player)

MR:  You got all dressed up for this!

GP:  Well, it was the day of my presentation – I had to look nice!

CF:  Inspector Gadget!  (Hilarious! Cesc making fun of Piqué’s trench coat)

GP:  It was a very happy day.

CF:  Well, seeing him there, signing the contract – it was a moment that I was very happy for him and it was hard not to be emotional for him.

GP:  I think that there is a different Gerard before Pep and after Pep came in.  He gave me a lot of confidence since day one, since I didn’t really play a lot during my time at Manchester.

(I like how both Cesc and Piqué’s smiles grew larger when they saw the footage from the World Cup!)

CF:  I’ve seen this a lot in my life.  When he would pick up during discussions with the coach and the coach would yell “where are you going!” and then he would still score!

(Cut to a clip of Xavi)

XH:  Gerard’s happiness and fun has rubbed off on the rest of the Barcelona team.  He came ready to have fun.  Football is not just that:  there’s fun, entertainment, jokes, but it’s a job and there is a lot of pressure.  But in that sense, he has learned a lot.

(Cut to a clip of Puyi and Piqué)

MR:  What about these two defense players of Barça?

GP:  Next to this guy, I try to be the boss, but he doesn’t let me!  I lose to hierarchy!

(Cut to a clip of Xavi)

XH:  Him and Puyol are very close.  They get along great on the pitch.  But off the pitch, Puyol is more natural.  Puyol has changed in that he has been rejuvenated in a sense.

CF:  Puyi before the Euro Cup and after has said that Gerard has a helped him see other things and feel younger.

(Cut to a clip of Piqué and Puyi at a sporting event.  Piqué throws some nuts down below and then blames Puyi for it.)

XH:  He is the Captain of Jokes!  He is the one that is always at the center of any jokes.  He hides your car, he hides your shoes, or he makes fun of your clothes!

(Cut to a clip of Piqué’s tweet making fun of Puyi’s leopard high tops.  Really, Puyi? Leopard high tops?!? I must say I am on Piqué’s side on this one!)

GP:  If they were normal tennis shoes, I wouldn’t say anything.  But people have the right to know what the players are wearing!

MR:  What is this “ooooooh”?

GP:  No, it’s more like (nasally) oooooooooh…  There’s this video of a grandma with a deformed face and starts saying “ooooooooooh” and that’s how it started!

(These boys need to let us in on more of their jokes!)

MR:  You used twitter to say that you are officially dating Shakira by posting a picture.  However, the focus of the picture ended up being the guy wearing the flannel shirt.

(Cut to a photo of Piqué, Shakira and a group of friends – check out pink flannel shirt guy on the bottom right.)

GP:  My friend was was traumatized after that!  I tried to call him and tell him jokes and everything!

(Clip of Pepe Reina’s show when Puyi and Piqué put on a Barcelona jersey onto an unsuspecting Cesc.)

GP:  If I were to tell you the true story, houses would come down!  (what a tease!)  No, Puyi and I planned it and he didn’t know anything.  I think people need to understand as his friends, we would like him to come to Barcelona to share moments with him!

MR:  Will you be returning?

CF:  To vacation, of course!

MR:  To play football?

CF:  I don’t know.  To be honest, a lot of things can happen in football.  I have always said what I want, but in football a lot of things can happen.

MR:  Your brother, Mark, has said that you are the most competitive guy he has ever met in his life.  He did say he has beaten you at ping pong.

GP:  No one has EVER beat me at ping pong!  (Cesc rolls his eyes) Don’t make a face!  Out of the 100 games we have played, you beat me… what?  Once?  Of course, if we play 100, you could win one.

CF:  It’s your show, so I’ll let you look good in front of everyone.

GP:  This guy is incredible!

(Cut to Cesc and Piqué playing pool.  I loved the trash talking going on!  Cesc ends up losing because he accidentally makes the 8 ball go in.  Next,  Piqué and Robinson play pool – and guess who wins and demands another game?)

Part 1:  Informe Robinson:  Gerard Piqué

Part 2:  Informe Robinson:  Gerard Piqué


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